Laid Off: My Position Was

It’s been almost one month since I was laid off, and I still wake up thinking maybe it was just a bad dream.

It was the day after Mother’s Day. I was feeling particularly annoyed because all I wanted for the Mother’s Day weekend was to go for a hike or bike ride with my husband and son, enjoy some beers, and then repeat the same the next day. But it rained. Hard. Most of the weekend. And here it was Monday, sunny and warm outside. I was trying to at least take advantage of the weather by working outside on my back deck. I was checking task after task off my to-do list.

And then, I saw a Slack message from someone on my team about a company-wide meeting being added to our calendar for noon that day. I didn’t think much of it and kept working. 

Meeting time. The CEO comes on Zoom and somberly begins, “Indeedians, I am sad to share the news that we have made the difficult decision to reduce our headcount through a layoff.”

What? No. This can’t be happening again. Everything has been going so well. Then, the real gut punch, “Unlike last year, where our reduction was driven by cost savings, we are taking this action because we need to simplify our organization to make it easier and faster for us to make decisions.”

Double what! I can’t believe it. I’m shocked. I did not see this coming. He says within the hour we will all receive an email stating whether or not our position has been “impacted” by this decision.

I’m at a loss for what to do. I obviously can’t keep working, so I decided to get hands-on. I’m going to mow the yard. The electric mower’s out. The battery is in. But, I’m checking my phone for an email. Nothing yet. Alright, let’s get started. I mow until the bag is full and then, well, I should probably check again. Shit. There’s an email.

What did the subject line say? It’s so sunny there’s a glare on my phone screen. Did it say your position “has been” or “has not been” impacted? HAS BEEN. No, that can’t be. I’m on track for a promotion. We just reorganized a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been training and mentoring analysts moving to my team.

I guess they call this denial, which lasted all of two minutes, and then I went straight to depression. I laid in my half-mowed yard, in full view of my neighbors, and cried. Then, I picked myself up, finished mowing, took a shower, and cried some more. I cried in that shower like never before, body shaking, gasping for breath, my whole world falling apart sobs. And, for the next few days, I continued on this emotional rollercoaster. 

“Impacted”? No. I was shattered.